romantic love

Relationshipsandlove.com
Cups of soup for the Heart

Can romantic and companionate love be combined?

Yes. In fact: If you want your romantic love to last, it must be combined with companionate love.

What I'm saying is this: Unless the partners are separated most of the time (one lives in Cleveland, the other in Connecticut), romantic love can only continue if companionate love develops or was there all along.

Why? Because the behavior of the strictly romantic lover (the lover who loves in only the romantic way) will soon push the other person away.

The strictly romantic lover:

1) becomes frustrated at any change in the loved person (any change from the way they were when the lover fell for them). And we all change - so this is guaranteed to produce resentment. They resent you for changing. You resent their failure to appreciate the changes. (As explained in an earlier cup: There's love and there's love. Which is the good stuff - that lasts?)

2) is jealous of anything that takes their mate's attention away from them - be it work, school, a friend, an aging grandparent, a hobby, even a child.

3) More generally, the strictly romantic lover is absorbed in and often overwhelmed by their own feelings, needs, fears and other preoccupations - with a resultant inattention to the needs of others, including the mate they say they love. (As I often sum it up, they love a lot. But they don't love well.)

4 ) Further, they make you their everything. So when they feel threatened in the relationship (as we all do sometimes) the threat to them is severe - tending to result in desperate actions. Such as threatening suicide, driving recklessly, stalking, trying to isolate you (from everyone, including your family and your friends - all of whom they now define as the enemy), trying to put you down verbally (so you will be feel dependent on them), trying to humiliate you sexually (to lower your self-esteem and confidence), using violence against you, and/or threatening to kill you or some other drastic consequence if you should even think to leave them. (I hope none of these things have happened to you - but they are widespread in our society today.)

5) Finally, the strictly romantic lover will smother you. How? With their anxious doubts, their vigilant watching, their negative response to anything else you put time into, the extremes they will use to isolate you from others, and their constant questioning of your love.

Before long, these behaviors will result in resentment on the part of the one who is loved in this way.

And resentment is the beginning of the end in marital or cohabiting relationships.

On the other hand, if their romantic love is combined with companionate love, the companionate love will counteract these romantic impulses. In brief, the companionate love will tend to keep your lover in line!

Why? Because the companionate lover cares about you in a nurturing way (much, as we put it in an earlier cup, like a good parent loves a child).

Suppose, for example, that the couple is out to dinner. Let's make it a special occasion, a holiday or a birthday perhaps. Suppose, too, that one of the two has recently been on a diet - and has succeeded in losing many pounds, which has been quite pleasing to the other. Their is an abundance of food served (Chinese style, let's say). And the person who has just lost all this weight is eating ravenously. In fact, they are about to serve themselves a third or fourth plateful. If the mate observing this is a strictly romantic lover, how will he or she feel about this overeating behavior? Yes, it will displease them. And this will come out. Take that to the bank! Now, later in the evening, or next week.

But if the observing mate has companionate love along side of his or her romantic love, they may be concerned about this overeating, but they will also tend to feel good about the other person's enjoyment of the meal. And they will probably decide that their mate deserves this occasional binge.

Clearly, the second alternative bodes much better for the prospects of the relationship lasting. And it should. The second reaction means someone is being loved in a way that is good for them!

(If the person eating ravenously did this all the time, it could be good for them if their mate steered them away from Chinese Restaurants! But that is not the case here. In this case, they deserve it. And they know it! After all, they have successfully fought through both habits and hunger pains to lose all that weight - over months.)

In the long run, the person who is not loved in a nurturing way, who gets no appreciation when they need and deserve it, will become firmly fed up with their strictly romantic lover.

Not only is strictly romantic love likely to end - it usually comes to a bad end.

Come to the courts and watch. If there was only romantic love, when it's over...It's really over! The person who was loved only romantically wants nothing ever to do with the other again! They see the person who loved them in that way as no good...as just in it for themselves.

On the other hand, if there was companionate love, they still believe - regardless of who has filed the divorce - that the other one is a good person. Oh, they have limitations. But they're still basically a good person. And these two can continue to be meaningful friends. Or at least polite, occasional associates - who respect each other. This is SO much better for both of them. (It hits long and hard in our insides - and in our ability to ever trust again - when we come to believe that we were...and, for a while, still are ...madly in love with some who is just no damned good.)

And often there are one, two, three or even more other people to whom this ability to still see that ex-mate as a basically good person is even more important. Who are those other people? Their children!

Now we need to take up a third element, something different than either romantic or companionate love. "What? A third element? This is getting complicated!" you may be thinking. Perhaps so. But the third element is vital. And it's not complicated. It's simple liking.

In many instances, chemistry tells us, two elements cannot be combined unless there is a third element present. The third element is called a "catalyst." In some cases, the catalyst simply paves the way for the other two elements to unite - and then stands aside (never becomes a part of the new compound.) In other cases, the third element stays right there, becoming part of the new compound. Our case is an example of the latter. Liking is necessary for romantic and companionate love to combine - and it remains part of the package when they do.

And there is no mystery about why liking is necessary if you want to combine romantic and companionate love. The reason is simple: companionate love grows out of liking. No couple ever arrives at companionate love without first having liking. In a diagram, It looks like this:

Liking > Companionate Love

The key point is this: liking comes first.

And where does liking come from? (Yes, this is a test. But it's open book. And your tutor is here as needed.) So, did you remember? Yes, from rewards. (Or maybe you skipped that cup. Not a problem. You can skip cups and do fine on this site. But If you want to know more on this, see: Yes, you can be in love with someone you don't even like. Why - and what to do about it.)

Does liking arise suddenly from a single occasion of reward? No, it arises gradually, as the result of repeated rewards. I raise this point because it contrasts with romantic love, which can arise quite suddenly.

And what about companionate love? Can it arise suddenly? As you may recall, companionate love is found only among couples who have known each other for a long time, long enough for each to know all the other's little peculiarities. So it develops gradually - like liking. This is no accident. Liking and companionate love have the same foundation - they grow out of rewards. In fact, we can now expand our diagram slightly:

Repeated Rewards > Liking > Companionate Love

In sum, the solid foundation for a lasting relationship is rewards. Being good to - and good for - each other. The famous couples therapists Masters and Johnson called this "The Pleasure Bond." (See their book by exactly this title: William Masters and Virginia Johnson, The Pleasure Bond).

So where does romantic love go in the diagram? Well, that depends on what you mean. If you mean where does it usually fit in with rewards, liking and companionate love, the answer is nowhere. People usually jump straight into romantic love, with little or no history of liking. With someone they just met. Starting out of nowhere, it usually goes nowhere, too.

The typical career of romantic love looks like this:

Just met > romantic love > sudden ending!

But we're trying to do this differently than the usual. We're trying to do it right. If we want to successfully combine romantic with companionate love, where should romantic love go in our diagram? The key thing is: It must come after a history of rewards and liking. Remember, liking is the catalyst. No liking, no marriage of romantic and companionate love.

In diagram form, choose one of the following:

Repeated Rewards > Liking > Companionate Love > Romantic And Companionate Love

Repeated Rewards > Liking > Romantic Love > Romantic And Companionate Love

Repeated Rewards > Liking > Companionate And Romantic Love (arising at once)

And don't kid yourself. Liking develops slowly. Go too fast - and the gods of love are not on your side!

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