love and not love

Relationshipsandlove.com
Cups of soup for the Heart

Yes, you can be in love with someone you don't even like. Why - and what to do about it.

You've been there. A friend of yours (well, I don't want to wish this on you!) complains to you constantly about their lover. Rarely do they have anything good to say about the object of their affection. They report only troubles and problems - if not downright instances of serious mistreatment. And you wonder why they stay with the person. At times you wonder aloud about this. Their answer is, "I can't help it, I love him." Or "I don't know. I guess she's got my number or something." (He means he's in love; he just doesn't want to say that to one of the guys.)

They are in love, but do they like the person? They answer may be NO!

Being in love with someone we don't even like is not a good place to be. It gives rise to songs like "I hate myself for loving you." But it is a common occurrence.

How can this happen? The answer is simple. Liking has one foundation. Romantic love has an entirely different foundation.

Liking

Over fifty years of research on interpersonal attraction tells us that liking is based on "reinforcements." "Reinforcements" is just a fancy word for rewards. The more times something (psychologists call the something a "stimulus") has occurred in our life along with (at the same time as, just before, or even just after) a reward, the more we come to like that thing.

The thing can be a place, a sound (perhaps a song), a type of scenery, a type of object (rubber or leather anyone?), a type of animal, a certain color, or a certain aroma (the smells of thanksgiving dinner cooking, for example). It can be anything - including a certain person. The more that certain something - or someone - was present when we received a reward, the more we will like that thing or person. (It's not a key point for our purposes, but it's interesting that this generalizes beyond a specific thing. That is, we will also tend to like other things - or people - who resemble whatever was present when we were rewarded. Researchers, appropriately enough, call this the "generalization" effect.)

In the case of a person, it may be that the person directly and intentionally gave us the rewards (help, for instance.) Other times they just happened to be present when we received the rewards that led to the liking.

But what occurs most frequently is that we repeatedly find it rewarding to be around that person because they happen to share certain of our values, opinions, and other ways of thinking or acting. In short, it is rewarding to be around someone who is similar to us. In fact, researchers find that similarity is by far the most reliable basis for liking. They call this the "homogamy" effect. We like people who are like us!

I know we have a popular saying in the Western World that "opposites attract." And I know that many of us certainly want to believe that. But, as I've pointed out many times, that's only because so many of us are dating the wrong person!

In brief, the research does not support the notion that opposites have an affinity. It's likes who get along.

Beyond similarity, there is the familiarity effect. In general, there is a strong tendency to like something more and more as we are repeatedly exposed to it. Once again I'm well aware that a popular saying tells us that "familiarity breeds contempt." But once again, the popular saying is wrong. Half a century of research finds that "familiarity breeds content."

Psychologists call this "the effect of mere exposure." And it doesn't just hold for you and me. It also holds for Rover and Muffy (our pets). Yes, even animals prefer the familiar. Suppose, for example, we repeatedly play Bach to one set of laboratory rats. To another set we repeatedly play Mozart. After three weeks, we set up bars in each rat's cage - so that by pressing one bar or the other the rats can choose their music. Which music will the rats repeatedly exposed to Bach prefer? Yes, Bach. And those exposed to Mozart will prefer Mozart. (Incidentally, did you ever wonder about all those campaign posters that simply say "Vote for Bill Stanley" or whatever the candidate's name may be? And tell you nothing about what the candidate stands for? Why should a politician spend all that money just to get his name out there? Without giving you any reason to think he will do a good job? Now you know. We like the familiar.)

Well, we usually like the familiar. Yes, there will be exceptions. There have to be. Because we have two different effects working here: 1) the similarity effect, and 2) the familiarity effect. If an exception arises to the familiarity effect, it will normally trace to there being large differences between you and the other person. In short, not having enough similarity. In general, increasing familiarity can eventually offset a lack of similarity, but not if the differences are too great. Such as large differences in your moral convictions.

But we haven't the space to get into a lot of nuances here. The fundamental point is this: liking is based on rewards. Over time we come to like those who are similar to us because it is rewarding for us to spend time with them. First of all, being similar, they agree with us. (And that is certainly rewarding! Especially in a complex modern society like ours where there are so many competing points of view.)

Likewise, the more familiar something becomes, the more opportunity we've had to experience rewards in it's presence. It has gained attractiveness, in part, simply by being there along with those rewards. But there is more to it. The familiar also becomes emotionally rewarding. It evokes feelings of security. (This is why children love rituals, and keep clinging to that same old scruffy teddy bear or blanket they drag around. And why psychologists tell adults, too, that we'll have less anxiety if we take time to start - and end - each day with rituals. Rituals (several repeated behaviors - always in the same order) before bedtime also help us to sleep better! In most cases, setting up a standard regimen of pre-bed rituals is more effective in overcoming insomnia than taking prescription sleeping pills!)

So we like things that have been good to us - and good for us. If you think about it, this makes liking very rational. It is rational to like something that is good for us.

So let me ask you: do you think romantic love works the same way? Are we rational about it, too? Do we typically fall in love with people who are good to us and good for us?

Romantic Love

I'm afraid your right. People just as often fall in love with someone who has never been good for them - and never will. This can and does happen because romantic love is not based on rewards. It is based on two components that have nothing to do with rewards! (In fact, at least one of the two components behind romantic love is more readily generated by the opposite of rewards - that is, by punishments or distress.) But we don't need to rehash this here. The details of this are spelled out in What is this thing called love: What the research says.

As for what to do about the fact that we can be in love with someone we don't even like, see (if you haven't already): There's love and there's love: Which is the good stuff - that lasts?

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