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Cups of soup for the Heart
Copyright©2000 Dr. Ronald L. Neff

What is this thing called love? What the research says. Part II.

What is romantic love? And what brings it about?

(Note: It is necessary to repeat a couple of points here. But the repetition ends after just a couple paragraphs.)

As we noted in an earlier cup, this question was answered over 25 years ago by Dr. Elaine Walster. After years of research. (For years she offered a free dating service to college students - provided they gave her permission to study their choices and outcomes.)

Dr. Walster explained that romantic love consists of only two things:

1) physiological arousal (This arousal may be due to sexual desire, but it usually isn't. It can be due to anything: anger, fear, anxiety, rejection, sexual desire, physical stress, something breathtakingly unexpected - anything that gets the heart pounding, the breathing rate to increase, perspiration to increase, the stomach to churn, the spine to tingle, and/or the body hairs to stand on end in what we call the "gooseflesh" sensation.)

2) viewing this arousal as due to romantic causes. (Very simply: You could view this arousal in many ways...but if you view it as meaning love has stricken...it has.)

This is not just a theory. Since she proposed it, Dr. Walster's two-component model has been tested in dozens of studies by many different researchers. The findings have consistently supported her.

Let's not forget Dr. Walster's second component. Physiological arousal is not enough. You won't fall in love unless you view or interpret your arousal romantically.

Dr. Walster didn't offer any answers to a key practical question: What determines how you will view your arousal?

But researchers following her did.

Much of it depends on the context, the surroundings in which the arousal occurs.

Suppose the two of meet on the streets of New Orleans. It's Mardi Gras ..and everyone throws rings of beads over you - and someone you just met.

Not only that, everywhere the two of you go, you are an item.

Amidst long lines, head waiters insist that you go passed all others. Then direct you to a table and insist, "The Champagne is on us. You two are obviously in love!" As the waiting crowd cheers!"

Sound unlikely? Sorry, these are commonplace occurrences. (They serve everyone from the waiters ..to the infinite advertisements on our TV, Radio, Internet, Billboards, etc.)

Personally, I've be there...exactly in New Orleans...

And done that. Twice.

Did either case come to any good? No. Both followed a formula for disaster.

The formula? Fall in love first. With some one you have just met. Then get to know them.

This, unfortunately, is the favored approach in America today.

And we are surprised at our divorce rate?

But back to the core of this way of "falling in love." Yes, context makes a load of difference. But the ultimate power of this stuff lies within your control..

You hold one card. And it's an Ace. Clients tell me all the time that they "can't control their thoughts"...until they learn just this: It's what you say to yourself...and you can control that.

What this comes down to is: It depends on what you say to yourself about your evening, weekend, or summer of arousal. If you tell yourself it's just "heartburn" or "nerves," you won't fall in love. But suppose you are driving home from a date, feeling some internal turmoil and hear yourself saying. "I think I'm falling in love." If you let yourself say that four or five times, as my teenager would put it, "you're dead meat!" You are in love.

The application of this is simple: The next time you are coming home from a first encounter or a first date...and hear your mind saying , "I'm falling in love with ..him/her...

Talk back to yourself...calmly (harshly won't work), and say just this, "No , I'm not. I don't even know her (him) yet."

Ditto for a summer fling.

If you do just this, you will be fine.

Play this card or not, I'm sorry but it's the only one you hold.

You live in a society that encourages you to "run with it! "...when you have only just met the person.

The alternative? Go ahead and say "I'm falling in love." Or "I'm madly in love.." And live with it...

No, saying that just once does not always do you in. But if you say it four or five times, in the words of my son, "you're dead meat."

And that, folks, is all there is to it. If these two things occur, romantic love follows. Period.

But you just talked yourself into it. So you can just talk yourself out of it, too, right? Wrong! As most of you know, it is one thing to fall in love. It's quite another to get over it. Any emotion is accompanied by chemical changes in the body. Research indicates that the chemical changes which accompany falling in love are similar to those you can get from taking amphetamines or eating large quantities of chocolate. When a person starts to lose this altered chemistry, they can go into all the usual symptoms of withdrawal from an addicting substance: waking up in cold sweats, muscle spasms, headaches, body aches, concentration problems, vomiting, diarrhea, and tremors (shaking). And, like other addictions, the road to recovery can be long.

Researchers refer to the condition we have just described as "romantic love" or "passionate love." (I prefer the term "romantic love." Because I feel the term "passionate love" is misleading. It gives people the impression that this kind of love is the only kind that will give them passion. And they want passion. So they become even more convinced that this out-of-control way of loving is the good stuff.) But passion is not found only in romantic love. And this is NOT the good stuff! Not unless you find a way to combine it with a very different kind of love. On these matters see: There's love and there's love. Which is the good stuff - that lasts? and Companionate And Romantic Love: Going for Both!

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