types of love relationships

Relationshipsandlove.com
Cups of soup for the Heart

Loving Well.

In another cup - What is this thing called love: What the research says - we clarified the nature of romantic love. The kind of love we have in mind when we say that someone is in love.

Our culture is preoccupied with this kind of love. Indeed, it is common for people in Europe and America today to be willing to sacrifice anything in pursuit of romantic love - their money, their friends, their self-respect, even the best interests of their children.

Romantic love has a surprisingly simple foundation. All it requires is 1) that something produce physiological arousal in a person, and 2) for that person to interpret their arousal as meaning they are falling in love. If they make that interpretation and run with it, they do fall in love. And this is not just "in their heads."

When people fall into romantic love their body chemistry actually changes in marked ways. (If you haven't already, see What is this thing called love? What the research says. )

Well, there is a bit more. Just this: scripts. Scripts originating in 12th-Century Europe's carryings on between knights and noble ladies. As you can read about in detail elsewhere on this site, the noble ladies held many "courts of love." In these love "courts" they issued proclamations about how this highly scripted emotion - which they called "true love" - supposedly worked. (The knights? Although they were a favorite topic, they had no input into these scripts. The ladies were nobles. Born to their station. The knights were not. The knight's standing was bestowed upon him...usually by the lady's husband! As such, the knight was a servant - with a limited standing ...that could be revoked at any time.)

The ladies? They were not to be taken lightly. Not even by their noble husbands. As the ladies typically had equally if not more powerful fathers and brothers...from other realms. (The whole point of feudal marriage was to build bridges between otherwise rival realms...to reduce war losses and increase strength by making allies of other strong realms.)

One other thing. The ladies of the day had a good press. (Lots of court hangers on. Over a few centuries.) And their notions spread.

Those old scripts, much written up in that day, have been repeated over and over since. In millions of songs, novels, plays, poems, and more recently, ads.

(Just one problem: None of these notions works - for long. Research tells us every one of those so oft repeated scripts is inconsistent with any kind of love that lasts.)

That doesn't mean that the person swept up with this approach to love will stop caring. No, they will still care. (Sometimes for far too long!) It just doesn't work.

In counseling sessions, classes and other settings, I've noticed that upon finding out the above ...how romantic love actually works, people sometimes conclude that romantic love is just a delusion. That it isn't anything real. If we just make a romantic interpretation of an arousal that could easily be interpreted in a different way, that suggests to some that romantic love is just an illusion of the mind. Drawing that conclusions would be a mistake. (Indeed, it could be a very painful mistake!)

Once the arousal is interpreted romantically, chemical changes occur in the body. Chemical changes associated with an altered state that is similar to physical states derived from taking amphetamines or eating large quantities of chocolate.

Because this altered state involves elements of dizziness and disorientation - as well as anxiety and painful longing - the assumption that anyone, anywhere, anytime would just "naturally" view this feeling as desirable is open to doubt. (To put it simply, people outside of Europe and America find it quite strange that we seem to be drawn to a certain kind of pain and craziness when it comes to the heart!)

But in our culture, a culture that encourages us to look forward to this feeling, and to believe it is the magic that makes mating relationships work (and life itself worth living) - it is usually viewed as highly desirable when it arises.

How desirable do we believe this feeling to be? So desirable that the one who possesses it may be willing to take desperate actions in the name of this feeling. Especially if they fear they are threatened with losing it.

In fact, nothing more often drives people to take desperate actions than romantic love. For example, statistically, who is the person most likely to murder you? Yes, your estranged spouse or lover. This has been true for as long as we have kept statistics on murder.

And motives for suicide? Suicide notes make all too clear that romantic love once again tops the list.

Because I spent eight years as a research consultant on federally funded projects aimed at reducing drunk driving, I feel a social obligation to share a lesser known finding. Namely, the perception that a lover has forsaken them is the leading cause of fatal nighttime auto crashes among drunk-driving males. (The root of the adjective "desperate" is the noun "despair." And in their despair, these killers on the road will often tell those who arrest them that they "just didn't care anymore." That "I guess I was really hoping to kill myself." Drunk driving, let me note, accounts for a larger number of deaths than either murder or suicide!)

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Killing is only the most extreme outcome. What is the most frequent reason why college students come to their school's counseling centers? Yes, because of ended or troubled romantic love relationships.

So make no mistake. Romantic love is quite real. It is also quite potent. The question is: Is it really so wonderful?

Many people will point out that romantic love tends not to last. Alas, this is quite true. And we will return to this point.

But I would like to raise a more fundamental problem. Namely, even so long as it does last, how does the romantic lover love you? Do they love you well? Or only a lot?

Whoops, this cup runs over...Good. Time for you to reflect.

What do you think? Do they love you well? Think back.

(For the answer research gives: see Loving Well II.)

Return to Home Page