love is what

Relationshipsandlove.com
Cups of soup for the Heart
Copyright©2000 Dr. Ronald L. Neff

What is this thing called love? What the research says.

There are many different types of love. But something tells me you aren't especially interested in how we love our mothers, our country, our pets, or even our children. I think you want to know about love for a mate - or someone you hope will become your mate.

What is by far the largest selling type of literature in Europe and America? Those glossy paperback romance novels sold at every supermarket, convenience store, newsstand, Walmart, Target, drugstore, airport, bus depot, carwash - you name it! (Women in America buy so many romance paperbacks that most used book stores will not take any of them. Not even as a free donation! Their romance shelves are already stuffed.)

And this did not start with romance paperbacks. Nor is it a woman's thing! For 2,000 years love for a mate has been the most frequent theme in Western music and literature. Most of it written by men. From the Ancient Greeks to the Romans. From classical music to the big band era. From Country and Western to rock. It's also the favorite topic in the fairy tales we pass on to our toddlers. (Yes, we start passing this heritage along quite early.)

This preoccupation with love is part of the problem. But that's getting ahead of the story.

If we look outside the Western world, anthropologists have found a wide variety of expectations and emotions associated with mating. No, it isn't all pretty much the same. In many societies, selecting a mate is a very practical matter. A man needs a competent mate - one who can make clothes, preserve foods, and rustle up a livable meal from raw (and sometimes meager) stores. A woman needs a man who has some land, or who can win in the hunt, and/or fend off intruders. In short, mating is often about survival.

In other societies, a mate is primarily a bridge. A marriage unites otherwise separate and potentially warring families. This is not for the partners. It's for their families. (Hey, the marrying parties don't choose. These are arranged marriages, usually when the partners are children.)

But in the modern Western World we choose a mate for one reason only: because we are "in love." Yes, in love. It is not enough to love the person, we believe. We must be in love with a mate.

Now we are getting some place. This is what is confusing you. The type of love we associate with being "in love."

This is a highly specific condition. It's a purely emotional condition. And it's an overwhelming condition.

Most of us speak of this emotional state as though we have virtually no control over it. Unlike nearly every other sphere of our lives, we don't assume we can be masters of this realm. It just happens to us. Cupid's arrow strikes us - and we are smitten.

Let's call this condition romantic love.

And let's add one other point. An interesting one, to say the least. Namely, romantic love always involves components of suffering. The person is said to suffer a longing for the one they love in this way. Certainly, this longing is suffered if the other fails to return the feeling. But even when it is returned, romantic love still hurts at times. In fact, pain in the chest is taken as one of the most reliable signs that we are truly in love.

(More than one anthropologist has pointed out that people in other societies would expect a condition described in these terms to be viewed as a negative. As something to be avoided if at all possible. And, to be fair, many a battle-scarred Western lover also comes to be quite wary of this kind of love. Once burned.... Or, in many cases, several times burned, they eventually shy away from any more of this stuff we call romantic love. But - at least as a youth - we in the West usually look forward to falling into this state.)

Okay, then, what the heck is this state? What is romantic love? And what brings it about?

(Warning: You may not like the answer. But try to remember: I'm on your side! The truth can set you free - to Win at love.)

This question was answered over 25 years ago by Dr. Elaine Walster. After years of research. (For years she offered a free dating service to college students - provided they gave her permission to study their choices and outcomes.)

Dr. Walster explained that romantic love consists of only two things:

1) physiological arousal (This arousal may be due to sexual desire, but it usually isn't. It can be due to anything: anger, fear, anxiety, rejection, sexual desire, physical stress, something breathtakingly unexpected - anything that gets the heart pounding, the breathing rate to increase, perspiration to increase, the stomach to churn, the spine to tingle, and/or the body hairs to stand on end in what we call the "gooseflesh" sensation.)

2) viewing this arousal as due to romantic causes. (Very simply: You could view this arousal in many ways...but if you view it as meaning love has stricken...it has.)

This is not just a theory. Since she proposed it, Dr. Walster's two-component model has been tested in dozens of studies by many different researchers. The findings have consistently supported her.

Dr. Walster's scientific breakthrough explains a great deal. It answers questions that have puzzled Western minds for over 2,000 years! First, it explains why people often fall in love with someone who is no good for them. You don't need to be good for a person for them to fall in love with you. In fact, they are more likely to fall in love with you if you frustrate them and make them angry. Or frighten them. Or cause them anxiety. Why? Because these experiences produce physiological arousal. (Incidentally, being good to the person - being nice to them - is not likely to cause them any physiological arousal.)

This model also explains why we can fall in love so fast. How long does it take for these two things to happen? Not long at all. People can and do fall in love over a weekend. With someone they have just met. Before they even know the person! (Not a good idea, but we do it. Clearly, this also goes quite a distance toward explaining why our divorce rates are so high!)

Researchers refer to the condition we have just described as "romantic love" or "passionate love." (I prefer the term "romantic love." Because I feel the term "passionate love" is misleading. It gives people the impression that this kind of love is the only kind that will give them passion. And they want passion. So they become even more convinced that this out-of-control way of loving is the good stuff.) But passion is not found only in romantic love. And this is NOT the good stuff! Not unless you find a way to combine it with a very different kind of love. On these matters see: What Is love - Part II.

To learn still more see: There's love and there's love. Which is the good stuff - that lasts? and Companionate And Romantic Love: Going for Both!

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