Relationshipsandlove.com
Cups of soup for the Heart
Getting Over It
I can't see or hear you (as I can with most of my clients), but if you clicked this page... I will assume you are in great pain.
We commonly call it a broken heart.
Actually, it's a form of grief.
Just like when someone dies, you've lost someone you once loved.
It helps to know that. To know it's grief. Otherwise, you may think you're losing your mind!
The pain is that bad. They don't write all those tear-jerking lost-love songs for nothing!
You're not losing your mind. You're normal. We all feel pretty much like you do - when loves ends.
Don't expect your friends to help much. They may try... But they're likely to say things like, "You didn't lose anything. How could you lose anything? He was just a jerk... he had to be a jerk to leave you." Sadly, that won't help. Not at all. It would be like going to a funeral and expecting the loved ones to feel better if you got up and said, "Forget about Joe, he was just a loser anyway..."
(Your friends could help - if they would say, "Yes, I know you really loved him.." and let your cry. But don't expect that. They're not being mean. They just don't know what you need.)
The truth? You lost something. Even if the person you broke up with is a certifiable jerk (whatever that is), you still lost something. First, you lost all the hopes and dreams you projected into that relationship. And there is nothing we project more into... than a mating relationship. Second, you lost the altered chemistry we feel when we love. And third: You lost whatever it was that attracted you to that person in the first place...Even if you now believe those qualities were faked, you valued them dearly! You lost all of those things.
If it was a long-term relationship, married or not,
you also lost many parts of yourself.
All the things you were in that relationship...
All the things you were to, with, for, and because of that other person..
We often become conspicuously aware of this during holidays...when all the things we used to do...don't need to be done anymore...because there isn't that other person ..to do them for, with, or because of.
And we feel so empty. Like so many parts of ourself are gone...
That's why telling yourself you haven't lost anything ...doesn't work.
It's so far from the truth!
So what does help?
Five days a week (and some weekends) I give people heart-mending tools to use - that do stop the pain. So how do I know about such tools? Well, I did my Ph.D. thesis on romantic love. Over 20 years ago. And I've been working with broken hearts ever since. Thousands of them.
How do I know these little tools work to stop the pain? Well, clients call me back. Or, more commonly now, they tell me even before they leave a short session at the court... their pain is already starting to ease. And they begin to smile.
Nobody can do that! Right?
At social occasions I'm often asked what I do. "Well, mostly I fix broken hearts," I say. "Nobody can do that!"...comes back the response - especially from people who are counselors or therapists! Hey, nobody told them how to do that when they took their coursework for their MAs or PhDs in counseling!
True. But nobody told most people who build websites how to do that in school either! They learned from doing it. Ask them.
Some of you will never push the button for the cup below. Maybe $10 is just too much for your budget right now. Besides, how, after all, could you know... that this guy called Dr. Neff really does fix broken hearts?
So here is one free tool. The next time you are trying to get that lost person out of your mind... Maybe so you can drive!...Say, "Goodbye, (that person's name)." And say it calmly.
Don't say, "Goodbye, You Bitch...(or Bastard)." Because that won't work... that only keeps you caught up in the arousal that is behind your pain. Say it calmly, and gently, as you would to soothe a child... because it's for you. It's an acknowledgement of your feelings.
And start saying that - every time those painful memories start.
After you do this for just a day or two, it soon becomes a closure device. It allows you to stop that stream of painful memories. Oh, the first day or so... the stream may stop for only 10 minutes... But each acknowledgement gets you farther along. Closer to mending that heart... within a week, it will be hours.. half a day...Soon a week. A week without those thoughts!...All just for saying (when it hurts the most), "Goodbye, Bobby (or whatever the person's name)."
Will you ever get to where nothing ever reminds you of
that loss? No. Grief is never completely
done. If you really loved, you may need to say goodbye once a month or
so... from now on...But it will work.
Bonus: Tool # 2: Whenever the urge hits you, say " I
really loved you." As in "Goodbye Bobby, I really loved
you." Just notice one thing..."loved " is past
tense. Try to put it in the past, especially when it hurts the
most. (Note: Don't call them up to say goodbye. That's really
hello. Just say it to yourself.)
Want to keep saying, "I will love you forever"? You can. And, if you insist on saying that, you probably will. Dying with your broken heart.
I'd rather you mend it.
Other Tools
No, you're right, just these two tools may not mend you. They may not stop all your pain. Just that stream of memories. And your misplaced pledges of devotion. I routinely have clients write down a dozen ways to stop that pain! That 's a lot, I know. But they are simple things. Simple but effective, just like the two above.
"You should tell everyone!" clients say. "You told me what to do, I did it. And my pain stopped. Prozac never did that."
For a long list of other tools - and how to use them - see Dos and Don'ts - to Stop the pain now!
Or better: There is entire book. Goodbye,
My Love: How to Mend A Broken Heart. Hopefully, it will be at your
local bookstore by the time you read this.