Dos and Don

Relationshipsandlove.com
Cups of soup for the Heart

Dos and Don'ts - for Dating Smart and Building Romance to Last.

Other cups on this site include many of the fine points behind our cooking - the reasons and the research. This cup is instant soup. A practical list of do's and don'ts.

Get four points down!

    1. You can be in love with someone you don't even like.
    2. And this: There is more than one way to love a mate.
    3. Most people believe that finding "Real" love is the answer.
    4. Sorry, some very real love is worse than a death penalty.

It's easy to fall in love with someone you don't even like.

Especially in the USA. Where we believe a lot of nonsense about love. (Every single romantic script we've been sold - over and over - in movies, popular music... and endless advertising.)

Starting with: "real" love arises almost instantly...with someone we just met.

Nearly every American over twelve believes he or she is an expert on love. Meanwhile the divorce rate in the county where I live has reached 74%.

And my students (college age) no longer believe that love conquers all. Why? Because most of their parents are divorced!

I'm not exactly a coward.. .I've gone down on racing motorcycles at over 100 miles per hour ..and got back on as soon as possible ...jumped out of airplanes...and the like...

But I'd rather jump out an airplane without a parachute than fall in love with someone I just met. Why? Because the pain wouldn't last nearly as long.

Why is love like this? Why is it so easy to fall in love with the wrong person? And so hard to get over them?!! Actually we now know...

Research tells us exactly why...

And you can find the answers to this... and dozens of the other purely irrational ...but oh so real oddities of love ...all over this site. But this is the fast soup lane. So no whys here...Just quick dos and don'ts:

Do:

1. Pay close attention to what the person tells you on the first date or two - before they fall in love with you.

Because the way a person acts once they fall in love is not the way they usually act. (Once they fall in love, their body chemistry is altered from its normal state! So many endorphins going, similar to the short-term effects of "crystal meth.") This altered state will not last - and tells you nothing about the way that person will act later!

Besides, if you fall in love, both of you will distort your views: seeing yourselves as much more alike than you really are.

Unfortunately , many people are in a hurry to fall in love. And they often do it by the third or fourth date.

That makes the first couple of dates critical! In those first couple of dates, you can learn a lot about want they really want in life. And what they need. So talk now! Ask good questions. AND LISTEN UP!

In the US today, most couples ....fall in love first...and then get to know each other.

Doubt that? Ask them.

(And we can't believe the high divorce rate?)

To win, you need to turn this around. Get to know them first. (And frankly, that takes time. The first couple of dates are the most informative. But marriages that last usually involve a full year of dating first.)

Don't:

2. Although it is very easy to do...DON'T fall in love just because you are all wrought up - just because your insides are throwing a fit.

Why not? Because the quickest things to get us all wrought up early in a relationship are anger, frustration, fear, anxiety - or other forms of pain!

(Exactly the things that push you apart later!)

Anger - or anything else that gets you all wrought up (fear, anxiety, scathing put-downs, and even being battered!) - can lead you to feel you're in love! See What is this thing called love: What the research says (in three pages).

Unfortunately, if you feel you are in love, you are. It's not well-placed love. It's not love that is good for you. But it's real enough. It can be measured by very real chemical changes in your body!

It's not a mystery why people so often put up with a severely abusive lover. The high level of physiological arousal severe abuse produces, can easily be interpreted as romantic love. See What is this thing called love: What the research says (in three pages). ) But, as you might expect, this kind of love does not last.

Besides, loving this way is part of the problem. It's how we get songs like, "I hate myself for loving you." (See Yes, you can be in love with someone you don't even like. Why - and what to do about it.)

Most important, you need to know that this is not the only kind of love! And it's certainly not the good stuff! (Researchers call the good stuff "Companionate love." See The Good Stuff: How it differs from purely Romantic love.)

3. Remember that you will not be able to develop companionate love (the stuff that lasts!) unless the two of you can - and do - reward each other. (See, if you haven't already, There's love and there's love. Which is the good stuff - that lasts?)

"Can" means: Do you have what the other person needs? And do they have what you need? Is it there to give? (Suppose they are a couch potato and you are so high energy, you can hardly sit down. They will always want you to sit down with them and watch TV. You will always want them to get up and go do something with you. What the other one needs just isn't in either of you.)

And "do" means you have to be willing to go ahead and give them what they need. I once dated a fascinating young lady who was well on the way to a career path of constant travel around the world (as a State Department diplomat.) She wanted me to travel with her, but she was concerned that, as a typical professor, I would tend to speak my mind, rather than hanging back to let her say the diplomatic ("sweep it under the rug") thing. It seemed to me she wanted a man who would act like her butler. I could have been her butler. But I wasn't willing to. (Unfortunately, we were already in love ...and the ending was brutal.)

4. Start out with someone you find likeable. Someone who makes you smile. Not necessarily because they have a comedic wit. (That can become tiresome.) But just because you feel comfortable and cozy with them. And perhaps you find them cute - not strikingly handsome or gorgeous. Cute like Kermit D. Frog. Likeable. (Remember: You can develop romantic love for someone you really don't find likeable. But this is not the case for companionate love. And romantic love doesn't last without its companionate friend!)

Romantic movies tell us over and over that the person we "like" is NOT the person we fall in love with. Well, you certainly can fall in love with someone else. But do you want to? (It won't last. And the heart you break will be your own.)

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