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Cups of soup for the Heart

Romantic And Companionate love: Going for Both!

As we've seen in other cups, if we looked at it rationally, we'd have to conclude that romantic love is overrated. The romantic lover is actually more focused on his or her own feelings than on the loved person's wants or needs. And those feelings, typically including components of anxiety and painful longing, are not something we might wish on ourselves if we were rational about it. On top of which romantic love is just an emotion, and emotions are inherently unstable - a poor foundation for relationship success. Finally, romantic feelings are the leading cause of desperate behavior - including murder and suicide! (See There's love and there's love. Which is the good stuff - that lasts?)

If we were rational about it, we'd turn away from romantic love in favor of the companionate way of loving (described in The Good Stuff: How it differs from purely Romantic love.)

But let's face it. This is not about being rational! European and American culture constantly programs us to want romantic love. Consequently, you're not likely to be happy living without it. (Besides, the romantic stuff does have one redeeming quality: It's exciting! And whoever said romantic love was rational anyway? We know it's not rational. We're just into it! Is there any rational purpose served by skydiving? Auto racing? Or rock music? Enough said.)

Even if you are content to do without romantic love, your lover is not likely to be! (No small matter.)

Bottom line: After you think about it a while, you'll probably decide that what you really want is both!

Maybe you're thinking "forget both - just give me that romantic thrill. " Sorry, but that does not make you original. Exactly the opposite. Most people in our society just want the romantic stuff. And how well is that working? (Across the U.S. as a whole, more than half of all marriages end in divorce. And it's worse in large cities. In the county where I live, an urban county with a population higher than many states, the current divorce rate is 74%. Three out of four marriages fail.) The Point? Just this: Our fascination with romantic love is not serving us.

So what can we do? Get into companionate love. This is what works. You can do companionate love with or without the romantic stuff. But I'm guessing you'd prefer with (having both).

Companionate and romantic love are two very different things. Sometimes, though, very different things can be combined. This fact is the basis for an entire science, chemistry.

Chemistry tells us that under certain conditions two elements, such as hydrogen and oxygen, can combine to form a new substance. Such as water. Hydrogen and oxygen are both gases (types of air). But water is a liquid. And a liquid is more stable than a gas.

This is commonplace in chemistry. A compound can have qualities that make it stronger than any of the elements composing it.

The possible combinations are limited, however. Not every element can be combined with every other element. And we do not want to delude ourselves here.

We'd better look at what the scientists find in their research. What they find is: It is possible to have romantic and companionate love in the same relationship. But most couples fail to achieve this combination.

If you want to be the exception, you will need to steer clear of a specific set of blinders.

The blinders I have in mind are romantic myths. As we've seen in other cups, our culture is preoccupied with romantic love. It's the most frequent theme in our music, literature, movies...even our fairy tales.

But what is the content of these so oft repeated romantic storylines?

So far we've noted only that romantic love is usually portrayed as wonderful, even though we are depicted as its pawns, powerless to control it. But there is much more to this content. And most of it consists of myths.

These myths are major roadblocks to achieving romantic and companionate love together.

Let me be specific:

1) The "someone new" myth. First, we have the myth that romantic love must blossom at or near the first meeting. We certainly believe this one. If we are starting to have serious doubts about our lover's continued commitment to us, we ask: " Is there someone new?" Or "Did you meet someone?" As though we can only fall for someone we have just met, or met only recently. Believing this, we often act accordingly. We fall in love with someone right away. Before we've had time to get to know them. In fact, our pattern in the West is simply this: We fall in love with someone. Then we get to know them.

Is this a good plan?

I used to jump out of airplanes. (My roommate was a skydiver. And I'd join him at times.) I'd rather jump out of an airplane without a parachute then fall in love with someone I just met. Why? Because the pain wouldn't last near as long.

Certainly, buying into the someone new myth is hardly a formula for combining romantic with companionate love. If you do this, your relationship has little chance of lasting long enough for that. You can jump straight into romantic love, but companionate takes time!

I've spent most of my adult life helping people fix their broken hearts. Falling in love too soon is by far the most frequent reason that broken hearts need my help!

Want to put relationship counselors out of business? Just slow down.

Why does leaping in headlong doom you? Two different reasons. First, it usually won't be the right person. You don't take time to get to know them first, so you don't realize - till you're in over your head! - that the differences between you are just too great.

Second, and this is one is tragic: It is the right person: Someone (one of the very few) who is enough like you to be a match. This one really could work. Except you go to fast. You fall in love before you understand what all their little ways of acting mean. And you misread one of those little ways. You take it as a slight - as meaning they don't care about you (or don't care as much as you do). So you're hurt. Being hurt, you strike out! You attack them. Now they are hurt! And you really intended to hurt them. So they're hurt worse than you were. And they strike back harder. Result: You start tearing each other apart! It's over. Suddenly. And you're left wondering how something so "wonderful" could turn so painful - and end so quickly.

Some people will tell you that's just the risk we take. They believe we have no choice but to rush in. If you don't just rush in, if you really take time to get to know the person first, the opportunity for romantic love will pass. So they believe. But are they right?

No, the "someone new" myth is false. It doesn't have to be someone new for you to fall in love with them. We can fall into romantic love with anyone. (All romantic love requires is physiological arousal, and a romantic interpretation of that arousal. These things can happen at anytime, with anyone. This is why we are so often baffled by people's romantic chooses. "What in the world does he see in her?" we ask. Well, you had to be there.) See (if needed) What is this thing called love: What the research says. (A free cup).

2) The "Green-Card " myth. I've named this one after the movie "Green Card." Near the beginning of this romantic comedy a lady is asked about her boyfriend, and comments "He's very nice." The response: "Oh, I see... you like him." And we all know this guy is not going to be our leading man. How do we know? Because we know the myth. We know, or think we do, that we never fall in love with those we like. Wrong! It's true that liking and romantic love can - and often do - occur separately. Yes, you can fall in love with someone you don't like. (As we explain in Yes you can be in love with someone you don't even like. Why - and what to do about it.)

But do you need to? No!

Nor do you want to. Because, as we'll see shortly, liking is the solid foundation. Liking is necessary for companionate love (the stuff that makes it work).

3) The frustration myth. A third myth has also been the storyline for many movies. It tells us that the person who frustrates you the most now, will, if you can only win his love, make you the happiest later. Well, many lovers do quarrel a lot. And yet go on to marry. But do those marriages last? The research says the more you quarrel going in, the less likely it will last. Here's why: Quarrels come from value conflicts. You can fall into romantic love despite those conflicts. But it won't last. (Why? Because you can't get to companionate love that way.)

4) The "When Harry Met Sally" myth. You've probably seen the movie. According to Harry: "If you don't go to bed within the person in the first few dates, you never will." Harry is not the only one who believes this. Today, this 4th myth is a major reason why we rush in. Why we fall in love too soon. With someone we don't even know yet. But is this myth true? Again: Not! Think back in your own experience! (It's certainly not true in my experience. I've dated some women for months before going to bed with them. In fact, I prefer to go especially slow on this when it looks like she just might be the one! Why? Simply because I know it will have a better chance of lasting.) So what's the problem? Just this: Rushing into sex rushes everything else along with it. (See #1 above.)

Sorry, we tried to squeeze this into one cup. But it just doesn't fit. Combining these two very different types of love is not that easy. For more on this subject see: Romantic And Companionate Love: Going for Both! (Part II).

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